Studies have shown that our ability to relate to and connect with one another on an emotional level comes down to how well our caregivers met our emotional needs as infants. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who pioneered theory of attachment, identified four attachment styles: secure attachment and three insecure attachment styles, including dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, and fearful avoidant (disorganized attachment).
Why is this important?
Having a social support system is invaluable when it comes to emotional health and wellbeing. The person/people you choose to spend your time with will have a positive or negative impact on your mental health. Does your relationship cause you stress and turmoil or does it bring you peace and happiness?
Knowing your, and your partner’s, attachment style is helpful because it provides insight into patterns of behaviour that occur between you and your partner(s). It is not uncommon for one partner to be described as clingy or needy and the other to be described as emotionally unavailable or distant. Ironically, these two individuals often find themselves in relationships with one another, creating a dynamic where one person chases and causes the other to run (metaphorically).
Once you become familiar with the attachment styles, you will not only have a better understanding of you and your partner’s needs, but how these needs developed in the first place. To break this down a little further, here is some information about the four attachment styles.
Secure Attachment: Your caregivers consistently, and warmly, met your emotional and physical needs as infants. When you sought comfort from your caregiver, through cries, giggles, and other non-verbal behaviours, your caregivers were there to soothe you. In turn, you learnt that showing vulnerability and expressing your emotions gets your needs met and that when you seek comfort from others, they are there to support you. While you are perfectly okay being on your own, you thrive in meaningful relationships and can set boundaries easily with others.
Anxious Attachment: Your caregivers were probably warm and nurturing in meeting your emotional and physical needs, however, unlike those who developed secure attachment styles, your caregivers were not consistent in meeting your needs. When the caregivers were absent, you were left in a heightened state of arousal and, as a result, have developed a fear of abandonment.
As an adult, you feel insecure in your relationships, like the other person is going to leave you. You require constant reassurance from your partner and never feel like you are enough, even when your partner tells you otherwise. You may create situations or look for reasons to confirm that the other person does not care about you, confirming your belief that they are going to abandon you. You may display behaviours that are clingy or needy, like always needing to know where your partner is, which eases your anxiety but also causes conflict by pushing the other person away. With your partner requiring more space from the relationship, you feel even more anxious and make similar, unhelpful, attempts to seek reassurance from your partner that they love you. This can be incredibly tiresome and is often unsuccessful at meeting your and your partner’s needs.
Avoidant Attachment: Your caregivers were unable to meet your emotional needs as infants, whether due to emotional neglect, physical absenteeism or because they themselves did not have the emotional awareness or skills to meet your needs. When you expressed emotions and vulnerability as a child, you were dismissed or ignored. So, if you cried you might have been told to "stop being a baby," or if you were angry, instead of processing your emotions, you were physically disciplined or told to just "go to your room." As a result, you have grown up with a deep-seated belief that you are “defective” or “inherently bad.”
Since we require close proximity with our caregivers for survival, you learned at a very young age to suppress your emotions and meet your own needs. As an adult, you may think that you do not have any needs and do not desire or require emotional closeness with others. In fact, you find this draining and feel the need to take space when someone makes demands of you. Unfortunately, while this strategy helps you cope when your attachment style is triggered, it is likely triggering for your partner who may begin to make more demands on you as a result. By understanding your, and your partner’s, attachment style you will be able to meet each other’s needs so that you can maintain your independence whilst offering reassurance to your partner. Interestingly, individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to date each other.
Disorganized Attachment: Unlike individuals with the above attachment styles, the disorganized attachment style doesn’t fit one specific pattern. Rather, it incorporates elements from both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles which can be quite confusing for your loved ones. For example, individuals with an anxious attachment style often need constant reassurance from their partner, are preoccupied with what their partner is up to and generally look for signs that their partner may abandon them. Those with an avoidant attachment style often feel suffocated when their partner asks for their emotional needs to be met and they tend to take space and avoid conflict when they are triggered. These patterns are relatively consistent and you can expect individuals with these attachment styles to show consistent behaviors when they are triggered in their relationship.
On the other hand, disorganized attachment develops out of fear of your caregiver(s) and is rooted in childhood trauma. If you have a disorganized attachment, it is very likely that you experienced emotional neglect, or physical/sexual/emotional abuse at the hands of your caregiver(s). On a subconscious level, you knew that you needed your caregivers to survive, but at the same time, your caregivers were a source of fear for you. You desired closeness, however, the unpredictability of your caregivers’ behaviours made you feel unsafe and unable to trust or predict how they would react. So, your brain’s wiring system began to associate closeness and intimacy with fear and distrust, making it incredibly difficult to form healthy, secure attachments later in life.
The disorganized attachment style is the most difficult to treat due to the incoherent patterns. Some triggers will cause you to pull away from your partner and others will trigger you to engage in self-sabotaging behaviours that push your partner away. This push-pull dynamic creates instability and can be very wearing on your partner who is struggling to understand how to meet your needs when they are constantly changing. What’s more is the distress it causes you and the feelings of hopelessness that can ensue as a result. Counselling will help you to identify when your attachment style is being triggered and better manage and express your feelings so that you can get your needs met without causing harm to your relationship.
Reach out for Support
There are numerous reasons you may be experiencing conflict in your relationships, whether friends, family or romantic. The goal of our sessions will be to provide you with the skills and confidence so that you feel heard by your partner and get your needs met. Oftentimes, this involves psychoeducation, learning how to communicate effectively and set boundaries, skills training in conflict resolution and assertiveness, and challenging any self-limiting beliefs you may have that are preventing you from achieving your goals. When in doubt, reach out for support.